Dear readers (if I have any left),

I am sorry that I haven’t written in quite some time. I just got back from a month in L.A. and then I moved, so I hadn’t had much time for blogging. But now I’ve returned with some interesting stories (particularly for View Askew fans), movie reviews, and even a BOOK review! So let’s get started…

I’d first like to tell you about my purchase of “Southland Tales” volume one, a graphic novel by Richard Kelly, the guy who wrote “Donnie Darko.” Now I know what you’re thinking… “Donnie Darko… awesome… that guy with the killer bunny… oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…” That’s how most foolish babbling POSER fans of “Darko” reacted to the news of the “Southland Tales” books, screenplay, and film.

Well I visited “Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash” a few weeks ago and found, under a pile of comic books, the last remaining AUTOGRAPHED copy of “Southland Tales” volume one. I immediately bought it. Within fifteen minutes of leaving the store I had read the book, read it again, walked back to “Jay and Silent Bob’s,” and asked for my money back. The book was terrible. It left me wondering what there was to write! The book was all pictures and crappy little thought bubbles filled with mindless drivel. It definitely didn’t make me want to read number two OR see the movie.

So I promptly returned the book and to my surprise, guess who was working at the cash register? BRYAN JOHNSON! Oh, you don’t know who he is? Well if you’ve ever seen “Mallrats” then you’ll remember the phrase “You tell ‘em, Steve-Dave!” Well, Bryan Johnson played Steve-Dave… and I met him! In fact, I bought a Steve-Dave Inaction figure from him AND got it autographed (if I may brag a little).

But on top of all this I also saw several movies this summer. I am going to give you a movie review of each in three sentences or less:

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST – The sequel to “Pirates of the Caribbean” is the best film this year, hands down! It’s funny; action packed, and will keep you on the edge of your seat until the very end! If you haven’t seen it yet, go NOW!

MONSTER HOUSE – The best animated film in theaters right now! The film is actually creepy and provocative… something other kid’s films don’t do. This is the Tim Burton of summer family movies…see it NOW!

THE ANT BULLY – Another interesting kid’s movie. It’s funny, with great voice talent, although it lacks what it takes to be GREAT. I just think America’s had enough of ANT movies, for now, but its still worth seeing.

YOU, ME, AND DUPREE – Sure, by the end of the movie you’re sick of Dupree, but that’s what the film makers wanted, right? Well, maybe not. The movie kept me interested for an hour and a half, but I’m not itching for the DVD release.

BARNYARD (Note: The film is NOT called “Barnyard: The Original Party Animals”) – Another fun filled animated feature from writer/director Steve Odekerk. It was funny, and will keep your attention, though it was a bit low brow for Odekerk. Don’t expect great things, but expect to have fun.

TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Disappointing and lacking on outrageous humor, this film will leave you wanting your money back. When the film ends you’ll feel as though Will Ferrell may actually be losing his sense of humor, though the last ten minutes IS pretty funny.

MIAMI VICE – It was bad. Don’t see it. That is all.

And how could I forget….

CLERKS 2 – You will be left saying “Oh my god” weather you’re a Smith fan or not. You’ll either love the outrageous, potty mouthed humor of this film or you won’t. I for one DID and have seen it twice. This movie is better than the first and is my favorite Smith film. It absolutely blew me away. (I’m aware this is more than 3 sentences, but Clerks deserves the credit) Kevin Smith, you are the man!

Well that’s all for now… go out and see the PIRATES & CLERKS sequels, skip the “Southland Tales,” and envy my encounter with Steve-Dave… and CUT!

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