Dr. Sandy Caron: I do not think you can convince her. It is sort of like that old saying about how you can take the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. Your friend has to believe it herself. Our belief in who we are, our own worthiness, comes from within.
Having said that, it sounds like you recognize your role as a supportive and caring friend, someone that she can rely on for listening and sharing her own fears, insecurities, and feelings of guilt. That role is important, but not an easy one. If you feel that your friend may benefit from having a trained counselor to talk with, you may want to suggest it. You mention she had an eating disorder in middle school, and it sounds like she has been able to move beyond that, but you still recognize she has internal struggles with her own self-esteem. Again, I would share with her your concerns - tell her that as her friend you see all her wonderful talents and successes, yet worry that she is not able to see them herself. Letting her know you are there for her, and that you will help her find an adult to talk with if she feels that would be useful, are some of the things you can offer.
I also think it would be good for you to talk to a trusted adult about your concerns so that you are not feeling solely responsible for your friend. That adult, especially if they know your friend, may offer greater insight into how to offer support.Everyone needs a concerned friend like you. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

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Question: I am the parent of a teen who is almost 16 years old, male. About a year ago, he started a journal and I found it this past spring and read it because the designs and words on the cover made me concerned about what he is thinking and doing . I confronted him about it and kept it for about a month before giving it back to him. Now, he thinks I am the enemy and has moved in with his father who agrees with him that I had no business reading his journal, but I am concerned about his well-being. I miss him very much and so do his brothers. Did I do the right thing?? When I gave him back his journal, he said he is very mad with me for snooping in his privacy and does not trust me. What can I do to gain back his trust? He thinks I had no right to invade his privacy.
Tracy

Dr. Sandy Caron: To be honest, no. I do not think you did the right thing... you may have had good intentions, but you clearly violated his privacy. It seems very reasonable that he would feel mad and mistrustful of you, not only for reading his journal without asking, but also keeping it from him for a month. I am curious to know why you did not ask him about your concerns about what was on the cover of his personal journal, or even inquire with others who he interacts with about his well-being (teachers, friends, father). It does not appear that this was a life-threatening situation (for example, a situation where you just had to know right then and there if he was about to commit suicide).

Trust is earned. It is not something that comes automatically with parent-child relationships (or any relationship for that matter). You have shattered this by your actions. One place to begin is to admit that what you did was wrong. You treated him like a child, instead of like a young adult who deserves his own right to private thoughts and separation from his parents.

A good beginning may be to have a heart-to-heart with him about your honest concerns for his well-being as the motivation for your actions. Assuring him that you will ask him directly about concerns in the future, with the hope that he will be open and honest, is also going to be important. Also remember that your actions are actually going to speak louder than words. How you treat him is going to be important. Do you treat him like a child or as the young adult that he is or is on the verge of becoming? Showing you care about him and his interests will be important. It is not going to be easy, and it is not going to happen overnight.... but with time you may be able to regain his trust.
Best wishes.

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Question: I'm in love — yes I know I'm 15 and I'm too young to know what love is — but I seriously belive that I'm in love. He bumped into me on the bus a year and seven months ago and from that moment I knew I would fall in love with him. He's 18 and I care about him so much; in fact I care about him more then I care about myself. I would do anything for him. I swear if he asked me to marry him right now I would say yes in a heartbeat. But I don't think he would ever want to be with me because of our age difference. He knows how I feel about him but he doesn't believe that I actually love him. The thing is I have a boyfriend. I've only known him for about three weeks and have been going out with him for a week. When he asked me out I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to hurt him. This whole thing is confusing and to make things worse I think of the 18-year-old 24/7 even when I'm with my boyfriend. I don't know what I should do. I'd be forever grateful if you could give me some good advice.
Brittany

Dr. Sandy Caron: I can see why you feel confused. One issue is that you are going out with a guy just because you did not want to hurt his feelings. This guy is being hurt right now - by you not being honest. Now is the time to be honest and tell him you are not interested in a dating relationship with him at this point - you have other things going on in your life right now - and it is not something you are interested in pursuing right now.
The second issue involves the older guy. You say you are in love with him, but it sounds like you have not dated him yet. There is a big difference between lust and attraction to someone you just met, and real love. Love is a two-way street - and it takes time. I would also see a "caution flag" flying when he tells you it does not seem possible to him that you are in love with him. Believe him. I think there are lots of things to consider. I would ask you to take your time. Best wishes.

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Question: There is this girl in my class; let's call her "Mindy". "Mindy" has changed a lot in the past two years, and well, let's put it frankly, she acts like a slut! She has a 16-year-old boyfriend, and she is only 13. She really bugs me and we hate each other. She puts me down and puts my friends down, sucks up to the teachers, flirts with every boy in sight, even cheats on her boyfriend! What can I do about her????
Signed: I need help fast

Dr. Sandy Caron: As you probably know, people who put others down tend to do it so they can feel better about themselves. I am not sure that talking to her directly will help. I wonder if you can talk to a teacher or staff person or even a parent you trust about this and see if there is someone else who can approach Mindy and ask her about what is going on with her. It sounds like Mindy needs to find support so she won't have to feel like she needs to flirt for attention or to be accepted, and she does not have to put others down to feel better about herself. In the meantime, I hope you and your friends can see her put-downs as a sign of her own insecurity, and be supportive of one another.

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Question: One of my best friends "Allen" and I have been friends for a long time. He is also my boyfriend's best friend. Sometimes, Allen and I flirt, just to tease my boyfriend (my bf knows it's a joke). But recently, Allen confessed to me that he really likes me, more than a friend. What do I do???!!!!!!!
Confused in Athens or thereabouts

Dr. Sandy Caron: I think you need to decide what you want in terms of a relationship. It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with Allen about how he is feeling about you and how you are feeling about him. If you want it to remain platonic, then say so and stop the flirting and "joking" around immediately. It's not funny or fair to your boyfriend.

If you do have feelings for Allen, you will not be doing your boyfriend any favors by leading him on - and as his girlfriend, you are not being honest. It's difficult to have a deep and meaningful relationship built on a major lie. If you truly care about these guys then you need to sort out which one matters to you more, if that's the case, or whether or not you're ready for a single committed relationship. If you cannot sort out which one is more important, you probably are NOT ready for a committed relationship.

In either case, your concern and respect for these guys should provide a basis for more honesty on your part. Should you decide to pursue a relationship with Allen, don't be surprised if these two guys lose their friendship with one another over you.

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Question: I am very concerned about a friend of mine. During the school year her b.f. [boyfriend] broke up with her, and she threatened to hurt herself. She ended up constantly cutting herself until her b.f. and I decided to get her help. She recently had another bad experience, and has started cutting again. Her parents, after school ended, believed she was better and have slacked off on getting her more help. My friends and I are very concerned. How should we approach the situation?

Dr. Sandy Caron: You have every reason to be very concerned. Your friend is fortunate to have such caring support from you. Can you talk to her parents directly about your concerns, as well as to your friend who is cutting herself? Let her know you care about her. What she is struggling with appears to be much deeper than most friends and family are able to handle alone. i hope you or her parents are able to direct her to the professional help she needs. Perhaps a school counselor or other administrator can direct her family to an appropriate resource. Best wishes!

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Question: "I am in love with a girl I know at school. She's beautiful, smart, friendly,and CUTE. I want to tell her how I feel, but I dont know how. Please help me with this. She already has suspicions of me liking her, but I'm a bit shy to tell her. HELP ME!"

Dr. Sandy Caron: I am unclear about your current relationship is with this girl: Are you just acquaintances or are you good friends who hang out together? If you barely know each other, try taking mini-steps before you try for great leaps. Maybe you and this girl are not ready for anything serious right away. Perhaps, the place to begin is a shared conversation, studying together, or simply taking a walk together. Friendship, which is the basis for most meaningful relationships, is built on shared experiences.

On the other hand, if you have been good friends with her, keep this in mind: As with any relationship, a person must often take risks to move forward. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that things will work out. However, it is helpful that you have already established a friendship. But before you talk with her about how you're feeling, I suggest you think about how you'll feel if she says she just wants to continue to be friends. Will you be able to continue the friendship? I would guess that if your friendship is important to both of you, you'll be able to work things out.

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Question: My boyfriend of six months broke up with me because he "was confused". We had just had sex a few weeks before he dumped me. Since then he has dated a few other girls. Now he wants to get back together. I care for him but I don't want to be taken advantage of. If I took him back would that mean that I am weak?
E.B.

Dr. Sandy Caron: It sounds like if you took him back, it would need to be on your terms — so you would not feel weak but rather strong and in-charge — rather than waiting for him to define the relationship. I think you are very wise to consider what his motivation is before accepting his invitation to reunite. You recognize that he dumped you and dated other girls, and now says he wants to get back together. It will be important for him to clarify why he he dumped you in the first place. I think a serious talk about his intentions and your desires are in order. What is it that he wants from you in the short-term and long-term and what are you looking for? He has broken your trust and that will take time to repair. What does he intend to do to repair that? Without that conversation I think it is hard to know if he is just taking advantage of you or if he is interested in a meaningful relationship.

As you know, a meaningful relationship is not an instant achievement; one doesn't develop a meaningful relationship at a single party, in a casual conversation, or because you bumped into each other again. Friendships take a while to build, and develop best on a basis of shared interest and experiences. If there is no meaningful relationship and no friendship, there may be no way for you to tell why another person wants to have a relationship with you.

You are smart to keep the yellow caution flag flying until you have a clearer picture of his intentions. Best wishes!

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Question: "I want to go out with this one guy, but he's also a really good friend of mine, and I'm afraid if I ask him out, that we won't be able to be friends any more if it doesn't work out. What do I do???"
A.S. Whitefield, Me.

Dr. Sandy Caron: As with any relationship, a person must often take risks to move forward. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that things will work out. However, it is helpful that you have already established a friendship. But before you talk with him about how you're feeling, I suggest you think about how you'll feel if he says he just wants to continue to be friends. Will you be able to continue the friendship? I would guess that if your friendship is important to both of you, you will be able to work things out. Best wishes!

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Question: "There is a girl I like who knows I've liked her for a while. I've asked her out twice now. She tells me that I should ask her out in school but why does she want me to do this? She says she likes me and would go out with me but not now. It would be better for me if I could show her how much I love her. Please respond."

Dr. Sandy Caron: She says she likes you, but is not ready to date you right now. You also state that you love her. I am wondering what this love is based on, since you two have never dated. My suggestion is to try taking mini-steps before you try for great leaps. Maybe you and this girl are not ready for dating in a very serious way. Perhaps, the place to begin is a shared conversation, studying together at the library, or simply taking a walk together. Friendship, which is the basis for most meaningful relationships, is built on shared experiences. Such experiences often occur in routine daily life. A true love relationship takes time - it's not something one jumps into lightly. As you probably already know, one cannot force another person to like (or love) him or her.

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Question: "Ok: I asked this girl if I could call her sometime. She said yes and gave me her number, but I don't think she wanted to. She said it would be just as friends and that we could get to know each other. Should I call her or just leave it be. Was she just being nice?"

Dr. Sandy Caron: I have no idea if she was just trying to be nice. But when you call her, I am sure you will get a sense about if she has any real interest in pursuing a relationship (friendship or love) with you. However, I do want to congratulate you for taking the first step in pursuing a relationship. It's often the hardest one! You asked a girl you are interested in for her number and she gave it to you.

It sounds like you two do not know each other very well and a phone call is a great place to start. Phone calls can provide time to get to know her a little better and give you more information about how "available" she is in terms of dating. Should she turn down your offer for a date, please do not take it personally. She may just have other commitments or interests at this time. Remember: When she gave you her phone number, she gave you some clear ideas about her interests at this time. For that, I want to congratulate her on her honesty. By being honest with you now about her expectations and interests at this point will save you (and her) a bigger hurt down the road. Best wishes!

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Question: "My name is Jason. I am 16 and there is this girl who is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I met her in 6th grade and have always wanted to go out with her but I have always been shy about asking her. What could I do?"

Dr. Sandy Caron: Jason, as with any relationship, a person must often take risks to move forward. You say you are shy about asking her out. Try taking mini-steps before you try for great leaps. Maybe you and this girl are not quite ready for dating in a very serious way. Perhaps, the place to begin is a shared conversation, studying together at the library, or simply taking a walk together. Friendship, which is the basis for most meaningful relationships, is built on shared experiences. Such experiences often occur in routine daily life. If she declines your invitations, please do not take it personally. She may just have other commitments or interests at this time.

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Question: "My boyfriend and I have been going out for two months. I really like him and care about him alot. The thing is that he doesn't do what he says he is going to do. Like he tells me that he will call me at a certain time but never will. Does this mean he doesn't really like me or that he just has a short term memory problem?"
D.B., 16, Standish, Maine

Dr. Sandy Caron: I am wondering if this is a problem that occurs a lot or just once in awhile. If it has occured only once in a great while, you could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he honestly just forgot. However, if this is a pattern with him, it could be a much bigger issue. I am wondering if you have asked him directly about this. Until you talk with him about it, it may be hard to "second guess" what is going on for him. For example, he may not even realize how this makes you feel or that you are concerned about the future of your relationship with him.

You have probably heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words." If this were to apply to your situation, I am sure you are wondering if this is a reflection of his true feelings. Who knows — he may not be ready for a serious love relationship. It may not be a priority for him right now. He may not have developed the skills it takes to nurture a relationship. As in any friendship or romantic relationship, we need to treat each other with respect. We also need to be able to rely on the other person. As in your case, if the person says he will call and he does not, it doesn't feel very respectful or reliable. Try to talk to him. However, if he continues to forget you, well, maybe you need to forget about him. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are a priority to the other person — where you can count on the other person to be there when they say they will.

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Question: "Okay, this guy asked me out, and I sort of like him, but I like this kid named "X" more. "X" flirts with me a lot, but he also flirts with other girls too. SO what should I do?
 P.B., 14, Porter, Maine

Dr. Sandy Caron: Okay, so this guy you sort of like has asked you out. Meanwhile, you say you have your eye on someone else. I suggest you keep your options open. By this I mean, accept the date with the guy you sort of like — what do you have to lose? You may find you like him even more once you spend time with him. The only concern might be that this guy thinks a date with you means more than it really does. Do what you can to tell him you are interested in a date with him, but that you aren't interested in anything more serious right now.

In terms of the guy you really like: Well, does he know how you feel? The fact that he flirts with a lot of people says he may not be thinking of a serious romance with anyone person at this time. Is there a way to find out how he really feels about you? Remember: The best dating relationships begin as a friendship. That might be a great place to start with both these guys. Best wishes and enjoy yourself.

P. B. : Thank you for the reply! but I've realized that the flirt was too much of a "player" and the other one, that asked me out, I only like as a friend. But thanks again for your opinion! I really appreciate it!

About Dr. Caron

Dr. Sandra Caron is an Associate Professor in the College of Education and Human Development at the University of Maine at Orono. She teaches courses in Family Relations and Human Sexuality and is the founder and director of two nationally recognized peer education programs: "Athletes for Sexual Responsibility" and "The Greek Peer Educator Program." She has written a weekly column on sexuality for the UMaine campus newspaper entitled "Sex Matters" and has hosted a radio show of the same name on the campus radio station WMEB.

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